celebrating two!

Several weeks ago, we realized we would not be able to be with our son for his 2nd birthday. Due to my employer's adoption benefit eligibility being postponed, we could not travel right away. It was difficult to imagine him celebrating another birthday without his family, so we decided to order a birthday cake care package for our cute little man!

We sent a birthday card, money for the orphanage to buy his cake, and a cute panda bear as a gift. We were so happy to open up our email this afternoon and see photos from George Mason's little birthday party!

I can't believe the elaborate cake they bought for him - it's like fireworks on top of that cake! lol! I'm so blessed to see him being so lovingly cared for in all these precious photos.

I have poured over each one of them and what captures my heart the most is the smile on his nanny's face as she tenderly feeds him his birthday cake. I love the way she is holding him close to her while they light up the candles. My heart is sad that I can not be there today to hug you George Mason, but I am so happy to know you have been loved on today and celebrated! I also LOVE that they invited some special little friends to share in your party! I'm so excited that you all got to enjoy the yummy cake together!

his little toes are just so cute!

this one melts my heart! hugging his new panda bear sooooo tight! so cute!

We are coming soon sweet boy!

We love you George Mason!

Happy 2nd Birthday!

Destination CHENGDU!

Our agency has confirmed our Consulate Appointment (CA) date to be August 30th, and we've booked our tickets to China!

We will embrace our son for the first time on Monday, August 22nd in the city of Chengdu, Sichuan.

Please be praying even now for this miraculous day. Praying for his heart to be comforted by our love and for God to be even now preparing his little heart to embrace his new family. Prayers for God to fully equip David and I with the wisdom, strength, patience, and the endurance we need to parent our new son as he grieves and braves the changes in his life.

What a journey we've been on! Miracles and confirmations that Jesus has directed every path! We are humbled by His goodness and once again in awe of His timing.

August 22nd. It isn't a date we will ever forget.

Eight years ago, we had only the promise of a future hope to hold onto. We were shattered. Barely able to grasp the hands of the Father who was even then reaching down to us. It felt like we had been standing on a bridge overlooking the rapid torrent of the falls, when suddenly we awoke to find ourselves plunged into the icy waters below. Struggling to survive the current that kept taking us under. No compass to follow. No way of turning back. Completely drowning in the greatest sorrow of our lives, the final goodbye to our little boy - the last time we would see our son, touch his little hands, look upon his beautiful face this side of heaven.

August 22nd. The day before the last goodbye.

As hundreds of friends and family gathered to mourn the death of our son and offer us comfort, I remember feeling completely numb. Was this really happening? Was I at a funeral for my son? My baby boy? How did this happen? Weren't we just celebrating David's birthday? Stopped at a red light, minutes from tucking my little boys in their beds, and from nowhere our lives forever changed by the recklessness of another. Slammed from behind by an SUV going 70mph. He never stopped. His drunken state too intoxicated on alcohol and drugs to know the damage he had caused. And here I was, just days later watching others file into a room to small to hold them all, the love was beautiful, the sorrow too much to hold. Who were they coming for? Who lay in that small casket draped in baby blue? Everything was so surreal - like the set of a movie - I was watching my life unfold before me and I had no control over any of it.

This was my son these people were coming to say goodbye too. Will he awaken soon? Can I never hold him again? Oh please. Please. Please! let me hold my baby again! Just one more time to feel his soft cheek next to mine. To feel the weight of him in my arms. Oh Please no! No! No! Not my son. Not my baby! Somehow, without my knowing it, I had been cast as the grieving mother in my own life, but this was a part I did not want to play. Please someone, anyone, take my place. I don't want to lose my son!

It felt like at any moment I would wake up from this nightmare. Only the days stayed dark, and there would never be another morning without the mourning. Hayden was dead. The funeral was for him, and tomorrow we would bury our son in the dark, cold ground. Oh my heart! I don't want my son in the ground! I want him in my arms. I want to care for him. I want to love him. To dress him and feed him and play and sing and, oh! I want to be his mother again! Please God! Please give me my child!

The numbness that had once distanced me from the truth fled as the rawness of the reality exploded inside my heart. It was too much for any human soul to endure. I crumbled to the ground and heard the screams of a mother desperate for her child and even in the weeping could not recognize that they were my own.

Death creates spaces of loss and missingness. Those never leave us. I've never felt whole again, and the part that is broken, the part that longs to hold my son again, that part is in a constant state of waiting. Waiting for the glorious day when we will see him again. Waiting for the day that He calls us home and the one who loves us beyond any other, the one who gave his life for us, Jesus himself, stretches out his hands to heal us and make us whole again. Yes, August 22nd is a very emotional day. It has always meant separation. The beginning of the missingness and empty places.

On August 23rd, we gathered together with close friends and family to celebrate the life of our sweet son, Hayden Matthew. As we wept over his broken body, we could never have imagined that the God of the Universe was already planning a way to make this day beautiful again. Huddled in the chapel, our tear-filled songs lifted up to heaven echoed the love we felt for Hayden and the deep ache we had to see God's hands work for our good. My cries unrecognizable even to myself pouring out from the depths of a shattered heart joined with the overwhelming fear of not knowing how this will ever be alright, how we will cope, how our lives will ever feel normal again. Packing away his clothes, his memories, I tried to hide the reality of his existence, but try as I might, I couldn't pack away the loss. It stayed like an unwanted house guest. I awoke to it each morning - slapped in the face by the sting of death. Pushing myself to create a life out of pain. Struggling to keep my head above the water. Soon I found myself floating with the current of the hurting. No direction, no purpose, just floating, just existing. Sorrow upon sorrow raged through my heart. There is no comfort for a mother who wants nothing more than to hold her baby boy again. There are no words. There is no acceptance. There are no moments of relief. Just the weight of empty arms, the pierced pain of broken hearts, and the beginning of a lifelong goodbye.

And now here we stand on God's promises and His faithfulness! Eight years of remembering the saddest goodbye and our Mighty God has redeemed even this day! What healing we would have missed had we chosen not to listen to the Father! How could we know He had this planned when our hearts were pulled to adopt back in October? For you see, as an adoptive family, we celebrate our children each year on the day we first held them, a celebration of a new chapter in our family's story - a celebration of life! How wonderful are God's ways! How awesome are His plans!

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I feel from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! ~ Psalm 139

And this year, on August 22nd, we will celebrate a BRAND NEW DAY when we embrace George Mason for the very first time as our son! God has given us the incredible gift of another son and we will welcome him into his forever family on August 22nd.

And, on August 23rd huddled together in a room in Chengdu China, George Mason Yang will officially be our forever son as David and I sign the adoption papers.

August 23rd, 2003. The beginning of the long goodbye.

August 23rd, 2011. The beginning of a forever family.

Now who among us can deny the overwhelming love of a God who brings about healing in such a GLORIOUS WAY!

Our hearts will always long for our son, Hayden, but oh the JOY, the inexpressible JOY in knowing he is safe in the arms of Jesus! Our hope is secure in the God who brings beauty out of ashes. We will see him again and when we are reunited around the throne of heaven, dancing in the streets of glory, their will be GREAT JOY!

For God has multiplied our family in unimaginable ways!

Bringing into our family a wonderful daughter who shares the same birthday as her brother and whom we embraced at 17 months old, the same age that Hayden was when he first entered heaven's glory and saw the very face of God.

And as we prepare to embrace our adorable new son on the same day, eight years ago, that we said goodbye to his brother, Hayden, we are in awe of God's plans for us. These days that would bring nothing but pain and sorrow have been redeemed by the Father to give us JOY even in the midst of the painful remembering. Oh how He loves us! PRAISE HIM!

To only my Maker my Father my Savior
Redeemer Restorer Rebuilder Rewarder
To only a God like You
Do I give my praise!

born in your heart

I feel my spirit praying even while the words are coming out of my mouth. She searches my face for answers to questions that I didn't think would come this soon. I fumble for explanations that seem so unclear to me trying hard to iron out the wrinkles in her brow and satisfy her doubt. Hoping the little I have to offer her will be enough for now. Wounding words surface to the top and we are caught in a tangled mess trying to go around the land-mines of "unwanted" "abandoned" "unknown" "alone". She knows there is a difference between her welcome to the world and that of her brother and sister. China and adoption are words that we've embraced from the very beginning, but now she wants to know how she arrived in this family and why her very first picture wasn't in my arms.

I pull her closer to my heart and tell her how Momma's arms longed to hold her even when she was a baby. And oh how I wish I could have been her Mommy sooner. I tell her about God's plan and how He knew the right time for Momma and Daddy to come and bring her home to her forever family. We talk of Nai Nai and Ye Ye and how blessed we were that they loved her as a baby, and held her, and fed her, and sang to her. She smiles as though she remembers Nai Nai's songs. Then it surfaces, the question she most wants to know.

"Momma, was I in your tummy?"

"No sweetie. Not my tummy, but your birth mommy's tummy."

And though I know it will bring her more hurt, I tell her of this unknown mother in China. The one who gave her life. Praying that God changes my words so they make sense to her and praying they land softly on her heart. An unknown birth mother. An unknown birth father. Did they love her? Did they want her? Do they think of her? Do they long to know her?

Though she accepts my simple explanations, I can see she is changed by the differences. Saddened to see her little eyes cloud over as she realizes the truth. She has another mother in China. One who gave her birth and life. One who must be stunning for all the beauty we see mirrored in her daughter. A "tummy mommy" where she grew for 9 months. A birth-mom who for a reason we can not begin to comprehend decided she could not parent this sensitive, smart, creative, and beautiful child.

"So she did what she thought was the very best for you and allowed Nai Nai to love you as a baby until Mommy could come and bring you home. Adoption means I love you and want you to be my daughter forever. "

I can see she is pondering what else it means. It means you weren't mine from the very beginning. It means it takes time to feel apart of your new family. It means your Mommy doesn't look like you. It means you are different and sometimes all she wants is to be the same. It means you don't know your whole story and it means questions that don't have answers.

But, it also means you are loved. It means a Mommy and Daddy forever to love you. It means they will celebrate your differences and they LOVE your chocolate brown eyes. It means you have someone to rejoice over your success and hold you close when you fall. It means family and a place to call home. It means you belong because more than just being born from your Momma - you were a gift from God!

It means you will never be alone again. It means you are wanted and needed and most importantly loved. It means our family without you would never be the same. It means you are ours - forever.

She hugs my neck and looks me straight in the eyes. "Mommy, Hollyn and AJ were born in your tummy."

"Yes, that's right sweetie."

"And me and Curious George, we was born in your heart."

She smiles as she pats my heart knowing Momma's heart is where love grows. :)

Travel Approval!

We received the phone call from AAC Adoption & Family Network this morning! They have received our Travel Approval!!! We are so thankful to have made the August 1st deadline (avoiding 5 years of post-placement visits) and are THRILLED to be planning our trip! The kids and I called David in the cornfields and SCREAMED and JUMPED for JOY with him on the phone! To add to the excitement he is coming home this evening - YAY! While we have to wait until after August 14th to travel in order to be eligible for the Adoption Benefit through Target, it hasn't stolen our excitement at all. We are celebrating and so thankful that we are finally at the end of the paperwork and the next step...is getting on the AIRPLANE!

God's Promise

spring rainbow filled the sky in our backyard

As we wait for Travel Approval to go back to China, I find myself lingering on thoughts of our last trip there. Watching my new daughter weep with fear and utter sorrow, it was one of the hardest times in my life and even more so knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. I remember thinking if we could just survive and make it through China; all would be better at home. But the truth is, it wasn't better. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and soon it was clear that even after an entire year with our family, she was still processing her great loss. When these memories flood over the happiness I have, I find myself panicking and floundering in doubt and fear. Of all the families that I know who have adopted and have chosen to adopt again, I can say with assurance that we are the least expected to be doing the same. Once you welcome into your home, into your family, into your heart a hurting child, it is very difficult to readily sign-up to go through that intense turmoil all over again. So then, how did we get here? Why did God call us knowing all that we've been through before? Is there any guarantee that this time it will be a smoother transition? Honestly, I have no idea. I can't answer most of the questions I have. I just don't know the reasons - this journey has been completely traveled in faith. Faith - the assurance of things unseen. Simply stated:

We live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

When the fears come and the overwhelming thoughts pierce through the joy that I have, I have only to look back on how God has orchestrated every step of our journey and trust him - ruthlessly at times - that this is exactly where He wants us to be. Faith overcomes fear. Centered in His will is the easiest place to live for we know He holds the answers and the reasons and there is no pressing need to know the outcome - because whatever the outcome, He will equip us.

rainbow in our backyard as the storm moved away

This year has been particularly rainy here in the Mid-West. We've had our share of rainstorms and pop-up thunderstorms during the heat of the late afternoon. One of the amazing things about these storms is there intensity. They pounce in on us like a lion surprising it's prey and just as quickly leave us trailing sprinkles and prisms of color arching over the sky in a full display of God's greatest promise - the rainbow. The girls have been especially taken with this natural phenomenon. Squealing with delight as they run out to the backyard to see the rainbow - sometimes a double rainbow - pressed up against the indigo sky as the sun shines brightly on the western horizon. It never gets old  - not even for a middle aged mother of five. There is just something so unique about it and so significant about the message it symbolizes. "Never again." God's promise to Noah to never flood the whole earth again. I can't imagine the weight of that promise, but knowing that the man had never seen rain before and having just spent over a month floating on a flood of massive proportions - well, I can only imagine his relief. Each time it began to rain, I wonder if he trembled with fear or had to fight back the urge to get in a boat. But for God's promise in the sky, how else would he have known what God's plans were for him and the world. The rainbow gave him something more than peace- it gave him assurance. And it still remains to this day, a sign that God always keeps His promises. When I see the rainbow in the sky, I'm assured that God is in heaven and He will do what He says He will do.

the girls running out to see the rainbow

I love the following devotional on rainbows and having read it a couple times I realize the significance in allowing God the opportunity to do things differently this time around. I say "allowing" because so often I find myself wanting to control outcomes - even if those outcomes are terrible. I know that's weird. But for some reason, I almost feel safer knowing it will be just as bad because with God's help, I got through that before, and something inside me knows if I have to - I can do it again. My human nature wants what feels most comfortable. And in adoption, what I know is turmoil.

So letting go of that picture of sorrow and struggle that is framed in my past, and "allowing" God to do things differently is uncomfortable and scarey. The big "What If's" start flooding my mind and I find myself treading water barely able to stay afloat. That's when I need to see the rainbow in the sky the most - knowing my past is my past and God's promise to us to make "something new" is waiting for us in our future.

I think this devotional says it best...

Rain, Rainbows & Promises

March 7, 2011

Genesis 9:13 "'I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.'"

Prior to the great flood, that Noah was able to avoid by traveling in the giant Ark, it had never rained. You know the story. As strange as it sounds, rain had never fallen from the sky to water the earth. Then God changed the order of things when He allowed the great flood that brought judgment on all the inhabitants of the earth (except for Noah and his family). God changed the natural process for His creation, rain would now fall from the sky. And rain, it did. Clouds covered the earth and it rained for 40 days. It must have been a very ominous sight for the earth's inhabitants, even those in the Ark, seeing rain for the very first time. Imagine the fear it must have created.

But God didn't let it rain forever; He stopped the flood waters that were falling from the sky. When the rain subsided and Noah came out of the Ark, Noah saw something else the earth had never seen before - a rainbow. The scientific explanation of a rainbow is rather simple; it is created when falling droplets of water pass through the sun's rays, reflecting the light, leaving an arc of colors (like a prism). The new rain naturally caused the new phenomenon of a rainbow. But listen to what God said about the rainbow:

"'I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.'"

God used the rainbow as a symbol of His covenant with us, promising that the earth would never be destroyed by rain ever again. But Noah didn't need the rainbow as such a covenant, to know he would not be destroyed. Noah was saved from the judgment; he wasn't afraid of God destroying him. God's covenant was necessary for future generations. Noah had the Ark; in theory, he could climb inside and avoid another flood. But God knew the temptation of a man to trust in physical things. God did not want Noah to live in the sort of fear where he needed to stay close to the Ark every time it rained. God wanted Noah to be blessed and live a fruitful life. God wanted Noah to live with the peace in his heart that it was safe to live a life free from past fears. Noah needed to know it was safe to leave the Ark forever, to leave the past in order to have a future, to know every time it rained he didn't need to jump in the boat.

brilliant blue sky after the storm

God wants that same peace for you and me, too. He wants us to have peace in our hearts knowing it is safe to live a life free from the fear of past events. God wanted Noah to understand that the fear of the flood should be in the past. Just as God delivered Noah, God has delivered you and me from so many things; I know you can recall certain events you never wish to have repeated in your future. Remember those times, but only as a testament to what God did for you when He delivered you from them. Don't let your past create fear for your future. Don't live each new day with the fear of what might happen. If you do, you will never leave the "Ark." Noah didn't live a life of fruitfulness and blessing by staying in the Ark. He left the past (the Ark) and did not live in fear of his future.

The rainbow was a promise of hope for Noah. Ask God to give you such a promise today. Open His Scriptures; I know there is a promise in there for you. Leave the "Ark" behind and trust God for an amazing future.

1. What are your fears from your past?
2. How are those fears affecting your future?
3. How can you trust the Lord to help you avoid the fear of the past?

~ Adam J. Speck

On our journey to bring George Mason home, God has revealed to us in His word many promises and each time they have been confirmed through His people and miraculous God incidences. As I was beginning to panic the other day while cropping photos of our son and starting to let the fear build up inside me, I prayed and asked God to once again confirm His promises and our reason to hope. Opening up my eyes I was astonished at the way He answered immediately! There it was all along staring back at me...

 Have A Good Day - RAINBOW!

God confirms His faithfulness in unique ways doesn't He! Praise Him! There is so much to rejoice over and so little to fear when we put our trust in Him. Hope reigns eternal even during the hardest rainstorms - He is there if only we take the time to look for Him. In His Word, in His people, In His creation...and yes, even in the middle of the storm, His Son is still shining through the darkness making something beautiful out of the turmoil, out of the pain, out of the sorrow - so don't give up your hope, don't let go of your confidence, His promise remains the same today as it was thousands of years ago. He will never leave us, nor forsake us - we have an eternal promise of new life! And for me, for my family, that's a promise of new beginnings!

A Prayer For My Child

May you sleep soundly through the night,

 

 May you wake happily to the morning light,

 

 

May you feel my love from far away,

May it comfort and protect you through the day.

 

I will pray for you, my little one,

 

 

Until our time of waiting is done.

 

 

 I will pray the Lord keeps you safe from harm,

 

 Until the child of my heart becomes the child in my arms.

~Anonymous

Article 5

Great news! Our Article 5 paperwork was picked up from the U.S. Consulate today in Guangzhou and is being sent on to Beijing for review before they issue our travel approval!

We thought we'd celebrate this step in the process with a parade, a cookout, and oh, I think we may just have a night of fireworks too. :)






I suppose there's no better way to celebrate the founding of our country that was born because of the fierce courage of a handful of immigrants than to rejoice over the permission for our son to become a U.S. Citizen when he is adopted!

YAY! Happy 4th of July America!

His Waiting Room

It's been 9 months since we first saw the photo of our sweet little boy, and while the momentum of the adoption process is finally picking up speed, I have to agree with others that say this last part of the waiting is the hardest.

October 2010

October 2010

January 2011

January 2011

May 2011

May 2011

We've literally been watching him grow up from afar in photographs, and it hurts to know the days are going by without us - without him - without him with us.

So close, but so far away...

Right now we are struggling with waiting on many fronts. We know the resources God has promised us and we trust Him to open every door - praying even now that He would do the impossible and make a way where there doesn't seem to be a way. Waiting for the IRS to let go of what is rightfully ours has been difficult. We've sent them every document and then some TWICE now. Still we wait for them to process our filing and unfreeze the resources that we need to help complete our adoption. Please be in prayer with us that God will open that door to us quickly.

We also are waiting on my eligibility for the Adoption Assistance Program at Target. I've been told two different explanations about when I would be able to submit expenses. The first scenario was promising - the latest has us waiting to travel. Our hearts ache at the thought of having approval from China to travel, but having to postpone our travels because I'm not eligible yet for the program. In wisdom it would make sense to wait if it means we can afford expenses by applying through the Assistance Program - but of course my heart is overwhelmed by the thought of that senseless waiting as I've been working for the company for 9 months now and they are telling me 4 of those months don't count...ugh. I've called the supervisor of the benefits team and am waiting for her to call back. Please be in prayer with us that God will open that door to us - and that expenses incurred earlier would be eligible so that we wouldn't have to wait to travel. Originally, I was told August 1st, now I am being told August 14th because of a technicality about when the pay period starts on July 31 instead of in August and that I would need to wait for the next full pay period then. I think it has more to do with how the policy is interpreted and by whom...prayers that God will make it plain for them and for us too.

I read this devotional back in September before seeing George Mason's photo...I found it yesterday. I think God is showing me again to trust him - ruthlessly with all things including my heart's desires. Moments, destinations, and events that He has planned for us sometimes require waiting - the kind of waiting that hurts.

LIFE IN THE WAITING ROOM

"They who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength." Isaiah 40:21

We've all heard the prayer: "Lord, make me more patient - and do it now!" Of all the spiritual virtues, patience is one that tends to be troubling elusive. Let's face it; if patience is a virtue, most of us are not very virtuous. It's flat out hard to wait.

Think of how you feel when you're late for a critical engagement and caught in a traffic jam. I find it tough when I'm in a hurry and rush to the "10 items or less" line at the grocery store, and then have to wait while the guy in front of me pulls 16 items out of the basket and casually chats with the clerk. How did I know it was 16 items? I counted them, piece by piece!

When life or people don't measure up to our expectations, being patient can be quite a challenge. But it's clear that God wants us to develop this character trait. After all, patience is more than a virtue - it's a fruit of the Spirit. It reflects His very presence in our lives, for He is a patient God. If He weren't, we all would have been annihilated long ago.

So what's our problem?

There's a good probability that our struggle with patience has been unsuccessful because we've been trying to focus on our own agendas and time lines and not trusting that, for reasons best known to Him, God may have a whole different schedule for us. Our propensity to live with a short fuse is all about forgetting that God puts us in His waiting room on purpose, because He is often doing something behind the scenes while we wait.

It might be as simple as teaching us to be more concerned with the struggles and feelings of others rather than being totally taken with our own interest and plans. There is plenty of evidence as well that God interrupts the normal flow of our lives to open unusual opportunities to be used of Him in unexpected ways. Or, it just may be that God wants to give us the opportunity to show what His patience is like by demonstrating it to others.

One thing we can be sure of - God's time is always the right time. His management of our situations - whether in traffic or in the "ten items or less" line - is always the best management. Patience is not learning to wait for others; it's learning to wait on God and to cooperate with His work in our lives. Next time impatience begins to stress you out, stop and ask God what He is saying to you; ask Him to show you why your expectations and schedule have been hijacked. Then take a deep breath and trust. Trust that He is at work in you and in the situation.

So, the next time you have to wait, "wait for the Lord"!

 Thank you God for sending me this reminder!

I know great things happen when I wait on You - powerful events- miraculous changes!

So scoot over there some and give me a little room on the waiting bench - because if I have to wait Lord, I want to wait not just on You, but with You.

And if I must wait, I want to wait with the purpose of knowing You more.

Waiting with hope - and expectation.

To see Your power working from the front row of my own life.

Knowing the best place to wait on You

is on my knees

hands lifted up

heart held high

in prayer.