August Update

We received a pre-travel update on ♥ Curious George ♥ !

It came unexpectedly today as our agency's in-Chin@ team requested it for our family. With the update, we received two more photos of little Mason and some new measurements too.

• HEIGHT: 79 cm (31.1 inches)
• WEIGHT: 10 kg (22lbs.)
• HEAD: 47 cm
• CHEST: 46.5 cm
• FEET: 11cm (shoe size 4.5/5)
• TEETH: 14

I really don't think my Momma's heart can take much more of this waiting. It is so hard to see him, but not be able to reach out and hold him. I think he looks scared, unsure, and even a little sad in these photos. We have yet to see him truly light up inside with a big smile in any of the photos. Sometimes that makes us nervous for what is ahead and other times I realize that it gives us so much to look forward too. His first smile. His first belly laugh. His first hug. His first words. Just to hear the sound of his voice will be a moment to remember!

Praying for the transition that is coming in a few weeks. I can only imagine that his heart will be grieving for the places and the faces that he has come to know. Praying for grace and mercy from the Father that this grieving period will be one in which he will allow both David and I to comfort him and hold him. Praying that we will have an overflow of love, endurance, and strength for the journey ahead....

until he finally feels safe in our arms and his heart begins to feel right at home.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. ~ Jeremiah 17:7-8

Links of Love

We can hardly believe that in less than a month, we will be holding George Mason! The kids are busy this morning making their "China Travel Chains" as we plan our trip.

Nothing like Daddy's blueberry pancakes for breakfast followed by a wonderful morning spent around the kitchen table having family craft time. :)

The kids drew pictures for each day too - so cute!

 

We decided it would be fun for them to create a paper chain to count down the days until they see their new brother. Especially for the girls who don't quite understanding the concept of time, I thought this would be a concrete way of seeing how many more days left until we come home.

Each link of the chain has the date and a description of the activity that Mommy, Daddy, and "Curious George" will be doing that day in China. It's becoming real for all of us and we could use lots of prayers that our hearts will be united even as we begin to leave.

Please pray for my children who will be staying home, and lift up prayers for those who are loving them and caring for them while we are gone. My heart aches thinking about being away from them for so long. I pray for peace for each of us while we are away from each other and that God would keep us under His loving protection until we are all linked back together again.

 

Destination CHENGDU!

Our agency has confirmed our Consulate Appointment (CA) date to be August 30th, and we've booked our tickets to China!

We will embrace our son for the first time on Monday, August 22nd in the city of Chengdu, Sichuan.

Please be praying even now for this miraculous day. Praying for his heart to be comforted by our love and for God to be even now preparing his little heart to embrace his new family. Prayers for God to fully equip David and I with the wisdom, strength, patience, and the endurance we need to parent our new son as he grieves and braves the changes in his life.

What a journey we've been on! Miracles and confirmations that Jesus has directed every path! We are humbled by His goodness and once again in awe of His timing.

August 22nd. It isn't a date we will ever forget.

Eight years ago, we had only the promise of a future hope to hold onto. We were shattered. Barely able to grasp the hands of the Father who was even then reaching down to us. It felt like we had been standing on a bridge overlooking the rapid torrent of the falls, when suddenly we awoke to find ourselves plunged into the icy waters below. Struggling to survive the current that kept taking us under. No compass to follow. No way of turning back. Completely drowning in the greatest sorrow of our lives, the final goodbye to our little boy - the last time we would see our son, touch his little hands, look upon his beautiful face this side of heaven.

August 22nd. The day before the last goodbye.

As hundreds of friends and family gathered to mourn the death of our son and offer us comfort, I remember feeling completely numb. Was this really happening? Was I at a funeral for my son? My baby boy? How did this happen? Weren't we just celebrating David's birthday? Stopped at a red light, minutes from tucking my little boys in their beds, and from nowhere our lives forever changed by the recklessness of another. Slammed from behind by an SUV going 70mph. He never stopped. His drunken state too intoxicated on alcohol and drugs to know the damage he had caused. And here I was, just days later watching others file into a room to small to hold them all, the love was beautiful, the sorrow too much to hold. Who were they coming for? Who lay in that small casket draped in baby blue? Everything was so surreal - like the set of a movie - I was watching my life unfold before me and I had no control over any of it.

This was my son these people were coming to say goodbye too. Will he awaken soon? Can I never hold him again? Oh please. Please. Please! let me hold my baby again! Just one more time to feel his soft cheek next to mine. To feel the weight of him in my arms. Oh Please no! No! No! Not my son. Not my baby! Somehow, without my knowing it, I had been cast as the grieving mother in my own life, but this was a part I did not want to play. Please someone, anyone, take my place. I don't want to lose my son!

It felt like at any moment I would wake up from this nightmare. Only the days stayed dark, and there would never be another morning without the mourning. Hayden was dead. The funeral was for him, and tomorrow we would bury our son in the dark, cold ground. Oh my heart! I don't want my son in the ground! I want him in my arms. I want to care for him. I want to love him. To dress him and feed him and play and sing and, oh! I want to be his mother again! Please God! Please give me my child!

The numbness that had once distanced me from the truth fled as the rawness of the reality exploded inside my heart. It was too much for any human soul to endure. I crumbled to the ground and heard the screams of a mother desperate for her child and even in the weeping could not recognize that they were my own.

Death creates spaces of loss and missingness. Those never leave us. I've never felt whole again, and the part that is broken, the part that longs to hold my son again, that part is in a constant state of waiting. Waiting for the glorious day when we will see him again. Waiting for the day that He calls us home and the one who loves us beyond any other, the one who gave his life for us, Jesus himself, stretches out his hands to heal us and make us whole again. Yes, August 22nd is a very emotional day. It has always meant separation. The beginning of the missingness and empty places.

On August 23rd, we gathered together with close friends and family to celebrate the life of our sweet son, Hayden Matthew. As we wept over his broken body, we could never have imagined that the God of the Universe was already planning a way to make this day beautiful again. Huddled in the chapel, our tear-filled songs lifted up to heaven echoed the love we felt for Hayden and the deep ache we had to see God's hands work for our good. My cries unrecognizable even to myself pouring out from the depths of a shattered heart joined with the overwhelming fear of not knowing how this will ever be alright, how we will cope, how our lives will ever feel normal again. Packing away his clothes, his memories, I tried to hide the reality of his existence, but try as I might, I couldn't pack away the loss. It stayed like an unwanted house guest. I awoke to it each morning - slapped in the face by the sting of death. Pushing myself to create a life out of pain. Struggling to keep my head above the water. Soon I found myself floating with the current of the hurting. No direction, no purpose, just floating, just existing. Sorrow upon sorrow raged through my heart. There is no comfort for a mother who wants nothing more than to hold her baby boy again. There are no words. There is no acceptance. There are no moments of relief. Just the weight of empty arms, the pierced pain of broken hearts, and the beginning of a lifelong goodbye.

And now here we stand on God's promises and His faithfulness! Eight years of remembering the saddest goodbye and our Mighty God has redeemed even this day! What healing we would have missed had we chosen not to listen to the Father! How could we know He had this planned when our hearts were pulled to adopt back in October? For you see, as an adoptive family, we celebrate our children each year on the day we first held them, a celebration of a new chapter in our family's story - a celebration of life! How wonderful are God's ways! How awesome are His plans!

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I feel from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! ~ Psalm 139

And this year, on August 22nd, we will celebrate a BRAND NEW DAY when we embrace George Mason for the very first time as our son! God has given us the incredible gift of another son and we will welcome him into his forever family on August 22nd.

And, on August 23rd huddled together in a room in Chengdu China, George Mason Yang will officially be our forever son as David and I sign the adoption papers.

August 23rd, 2003. The beginning of the long goodbye.

August 23rd, 2011. The beginning of a forever family.

Now who among us can deny the overwhelming love of a God who brings about healing in such a GLORIOUS WAY!

Our hearts will always long for our son, Hayden, but oh the JOY, the inexpressible JOY in knowing he is safe in the arms of Jesus! Our hope is secure in the God who brings beauty out of ashes. We will see him again and when we are reunited around the throne of heaven, dancing in the streets of glory, their will be GREAT JOY!

For God has multiplied our family in unimaginable ways!

Bringing into our family a wonderful daughter who shares the same birthday as her brother and whom we embraced at 17 months old, the same age that Hayden was when he first entered heaven's glory and saw the very face of God.

And as we prepare to embrace our adorable new son on the same day, eight years ago, that we said goodbye to his brother, Hayden, we are in awe of God's plans for us. These days that would bring nothing but pain and sorrow have been redeemed by the Father to give us JOY even in the midst of the painful remembering. Oh how He loves us! PRAISE HIM!

To only my Maker my Father my Savior
Redeemer Restorer Rebuilder Rewarder
To only a God like You
Do I give my praise!

Waiting

The Waiting Child

I saw you meet your child today
You kissed your baby joyfully
And as you walked away with her
I played pretend you'd chosen me.

I'm happy for the baby yet inside
I'm aching miserably
I want to plead as you go by,
"Does no one want a child of three?"

I saw you meet your child today
In love with him before you met
And as I watched you take him out

 I knew it wasn't my turn yet.

I recognize you from last year!
I knew I'd seen your face before!
But you came for a second babe.
Does no one want a child of four?

I saw you meet your child today
But this time there was something new
A nurse came in and took MY hand
And then she gave my hand to you.

 Can this be true? I'm almost five!
And there are infants here you see?
But then you kissed me and I knew
The child you chose this time was me. ~ Debbie Bodie

 While it is hard to wait to embrace our son, it is harder still to think about the children who do not have someone waiting anxiously to hold them. We wait to bring home our little boy, yet I can't help but think of the thousands of other boys and girls who are waiting in orphanages in China. Waiting for a Mommy and Daddy to love them as their very own child. Waiting for their turn to hold a hand and know it is forever. During the first several years of Jessa's transition to our family, it was hard. I'm not gonna lie - it was brutally hard. Nightmare comes close to describing it. There were many times that folks stopped me to ask me about adoption and about our calling, and I'm not proud to say I was "done". Famous words of mine when I get fed up with something. "Done" with adoption. "Done" with God's heart for it. "Done" with telling others what a blessing it is. "Done" because it hurt to much to keep on keeping on. Ashamed that these words actually left my lips, "I am NOT an advocate for adoption."

Yep, I said that.

More than once even.

Why?

I'm not sure. Maybe I was bitter from having gone through everything and realizing that my expectations were NOT even close to being met. I know I was hurting. Still not sure that God realized what He was doing. Wanting the easy way and always, ALWAYS, getting stuck with the harder path. Just seems like God has a plan to stretch me and grow me whether I like it or not, whether I ask for it or not, and whether I want Him to or not. And believe me, if I could choose, I would choose NOT.

Despite my adult-sized temper tantrums, God was gracious and sustained my marriage and our adoption. He has showered me with forgiveness, mercy, and grace. And the reward has been an amazing, beautiful healing between my daughter and me. Love has come - softly. It is deep and wide now. It stretches over the landscape of both of our hearts and is so intertwined with our past and our present that I am blessed to say it feels like "it has always been this way." But, I know that it hasn't. And I'm realistic about these things. Truth be told, there was a time that I cringed to read blog posts like the very one I'm writing today. Adoption. Waiting children. God's heart. All of it seemed to put added pressure on me and made me feel like I'm not doing "enough" for God. Like 1 adoption isn't nearly as good as 2 or 3 or more! There is an attitude out there that unless you are currently adopting, you aren't serving Him.

hmmm. Humbly disagree with that one.

God's love for us is not based on performance or good works, and He created each of us with a special and very unique plan. Many of us have been called to adoption, but many are called to serve Him in other areas of the world. We are all the Body of Christ. Each of us a part that makes up the whole. There is no heart that is purer or more righteous {right with God} than another. God is our Father. God is our judge, and it is not our place to put limits on His ability to work in us and through us in whatever way HE CHOOSES. It is His choosing.

So while things in my own heart have changed 180 degrees, and I have repented and once again embrace God's passion for the orphan and know that He is choosing us to adopt again, I do not in any way want to pressure a family to do something that God, Himself, is not preparing their hearts to do. The first step in any journey of faith is prayer. I'm talking down on your knees, faces in hands, lifting up heartfelt cries of desperate seeking - prayer.

Then, and only then, can you faith walk out onto the raging waters knowing HE is going before, behind and beside you. Because He has promised He will. And believe me, without God's calling to look back on when we adopted Jessa, without His tangible and clear signs validating our journey, when things got TOUGH and beyond me to cope, if I didn't have an "Ebenezer Stone" erected in my heart, I would have given up. I would have been "done". That stone of remembrance was a testimony to God's faithfulness and calling and solidified what my current trials and surroundings would not bear witness too. He had called us to go. We had gone. It is not what we expected. But it was what He expected. It was long. It taught us long-suffering. It was hard. It taught us hard fought love. It was dying to love her. It taught us to love her while dying to self. Without her presence in my life and her struggle to open these places in my heart, I would have never been able to truly taste the unconditional love of the Father. She has changed me - for good. He has changed me - forever.

I know that we are called to care for the orphan. God's word is clear. But even more than caring, what if God is calling you to love them - love one - as your child. If you are feeling led to adopt a waiting child, perhaps you don't know quite where to start. There are many in the adoption community who are advocating for waiting children. Some children have special needs - both major and minor - depending on your perspective. Some children's only "special need" is that they are older, no longer an infant. Before we can decide in our hearts that adoption is not God's plan for us, shouldn't we ask Him first?


Have you asked Him?

God, what is your plan for my family?

What is Your purpose for my life?

Am I fulfilling all that You've created me to do?

I read that Your word calls me to act on behalf of the fatherless.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. ~ James 1:27

Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act. ~ Prov. 24:12

What role do You want me to play in this Kingdom work?

Dear Father, break my heart for the things that break Yours.

If you are seeking Him and His will for your life, I know He will show you how to reach out to these waiting children and help bring them hope and possibly a forever home. Whether through your finances are your prayers, isn't it time you got involved and touched God's heart by loving and helping a child that has no home? I want to encourage you to visit one of the sites below, and print out the photo of a waiting child. Place it on your fridge, or your bathroom mirror, or in your Bible. Then pray for that child as though they were your own. Pray for their family to find them. For God to give them a hope and a future. Pray until your heart begins to ache for them, and then...pray some more.

Wonderful Waiting Kids  (blog created by an adoptive mother to weekly advocate for China's waiting children)

Rainbow Kids (an exhaustive list of children from various countries and various agencies: in order review the photo listings you must first register a username and password - it is FREE. I was printing off children from this site last year to pray over when God called my heart again to adopt and found us our son!)

A.A.C.'s Waiting Special Focus Children (children from China & Korea listed with our agency)

Reece's Rainbow (children waiting with down syndrome)

Lifeline (adoption agency with special focus list - advocating for waiting children in China)

WACAP (adoption agency with special focus list, must request password and register - free)

New Day Foster Home (a wonderful organization that works in China fostering waiting children)

New Day Foster Home blog (blog that shares the journey of the children and their amazing impact)

Not every child I pray for is meant to be mine, but I know that God works through the prayers of His people, and there are many children who have found a family because God opened hearts through prayer. You see, I know, because this is how He opened ours - and George Mason is no longer on the list, he is no longer labeled as "waiting", because he has a family!

Our children arrived exactly as they were designed. There was no mistake here. They are a direct and unmistakable gift from God. He has given us children capable of copious amounts of unconditional love because we haven't been open to receiving the more indirect ways He's been showering it on us for the previous years of our lives. ~Courtney Heigele 

Maybe, just maybe, God has an unmistakable gift for you too!

Sealed With Prayer

Finally! After months of completeting paperwork for the adoption, it is ready to be mailed to our agency in Colorado. This afternoon, the girls, David and I went downtown to the Secretary of State's office to get everything state sealed. We walked in and soon learned that typically they will only seal up to 15 documents while you wait; otherwise if you have more, you have to drop them off and come back to pick-up. Bummer. We had 18. I explained to the woman helping us that we were adopting from Chin@ and that we really, really, REALLY had hoped to mail everything to our agency soon! She smiled and said, "okay". :) YaY! God once again opened a door for us that usually would not only be closed but sealed tight. This is after all a government office. lol! So we waited and drove home with HUGE *smiles* remembering the last time we did this was for Jessa Li. She wanted to hear all about that and it was so fun explaining to her how excited Mommy and Daddy were to bring her home. :) We got home and ordered Chinese for dinner {what else is there to eat to celebrate another milestone in the journey!}, and I compiled everything that was needed for our dossier.

• Letter of Petition to Adopt
• Financial Statement
• Physicals for Each of Us
• Letter from Physician
• Birth Cert. for Each of Us
• Marriage Cert.
• Home Study x 4
• USCIS Application I-800A
• Form I-800A, Supplement 1
• Form I-800A, Supplement 2
• Form I-800A, Supplement 3
• State Police Background Check for Each of Us
• County Police Background Check for Each of Us
• Guardianship/Raising Commitment
• Copies of Each Passport
• Employment Letters for Each Employer (3 total)
• AAC Formal Application
• AAC Policy, Procedures & Programs Disclosure
• Disclosure of Criminal History
• Interagency Agreement for Exempt Providers
• Medical Conditions Checklist
• Adoption Training Topic Checklist
• Adoption Training Certificates - for 10 hours
• Health Insurance Carrier Letter Certifying Coverage
• Health Insurance Benefits Print-out Highlighting Coverage
• 8 photos: 1 outside home, 2 inside home, 1 family, 1 of couple, 3 our choice
• 6 Visa/Passport size photos of each of us

AND, for the MIRACULOUS, GOD-MOVING MOUNTAINS MOMENT!

• 2 Cashier Checks - 1 for AAC fees and 1 for USCIS fees!!!! {stay tuned for that post!}

Before going to FED-EX to mail our dossier to our agency, we spread out the sealed state papers in the living room and layed our hands over them and prayed. Even though these important papers had been sealed by the state government, they needed another kind of sealing - a sealing by the Holy Spirit. Again we cried, overwhelmed by the decision to adopt again, overwhelmed by God's big YES! I want you to do this for Mason, but more importantly for me - your Heavenly Father. We wept knowing that God was giving us another son for somehow it now seemed all so real. We cried knowing that God was blessing us in ways so mysterious and beyond our control that surely He had been orchestrating them since the very beginning of time. Just the knowledge that He loves us this much brings us to tears. We prayed for God to multiply blessings unto those who had sacrificially given to His kingdom work in helping us bring Mason home! That our dossier may go to Chin@ and be approved quickly, that our I-800A may go to the processing facility and be approved quickly, that God would protect each paper, making our way smooth as He continues to open every door!

Sealing everything with prayer, and placing every care in His loving hands. For He is FAITHFUL.

Prayer of My Heart

"You were looking for some big thing to give up, while God is telling you of some tiny thing that must go. But behind that tiny thing lies the stronghold of obstinacy, and you say, 'I will not give up my right to myself' - the very thing that God intends you to give up if you are to be a disciple of Jesus Christ."
~Oswald Chambers

Father God I KNOW you are blessed by those who believe even though they don't see the way, or the how, or the why - "Just follow me" is what Jesus said. He didn't explain how, just go. May this next journey be filled with YOUR provision. YOUR love and strength. YOUR healing. May we see again the wonders of your NAME. How you are Jehovah, Jehovah Jireh, Jehovah Rapha, El Shaddai, Elohim. Is following your will even though it may be crazy and radical thinking- glorifying you? If glorifying you is the benchmark to the things that you would desire us to accomplish in your name, then is it ever wrong to pursue a desire that seems as though it is your will even though all the outside circumstances scream out to us "No Way!" is it okay to "Go in Your Name" knowing in the end it will bring YOU glory and wait for your confirmation to come after our steps of obedience? I don't know. All I know is that I want to love and please you Father. I want my life-song to sing to you and for you to cleanse my heart and make me new again. Father I am with so many faults and weaknesses. One day I speak of your ways and the next I do not follow them. Lord forgive me for my selfishness and the impatience I wield over my family. Lord change me. Heal my heart to seek you more.

We are standing at the door to a new journey and you have said Jesus that anyone who knocks on the door - you will open it. Jesus if this means casting aside all the patterns of this world and completely changing our family from the inside out - then I want to follow you and I want you to change my family to reflect your heart. If it means are family and friends will think we've completely and totally lost our minds - then I want to lose my mind if that means I gain eternity knowing I have brought you glory with my life. If it means we must sacrifice and that our children will not know the pleasures of this world as those around us do, then I would rather them have an eternal perspective to embrace YOU as their source of joy than any of the pleasures this world affords.

I want to be a blessing to my wonderful, Godly husband, I do not want to force him to do things that he thinks are not from you. I do not want to break his heart, but I want to support him. Lord I want him to support me too. I want him to know that my dreams though too big for us are the perfect size for you to bring into reality. Show him Lord how to cherish your work in my life. Show him this calling and burden you have placed on my heart, and unite us under your banner of love and truth. We don't know the how? the why? or the when? but you do. If there is a path that you want our family to travel on, then light it with your holiness and righteousness and illuminate our dim eyes to SEE the way you want us to go. We love you Jesus! We praise you for the miracles you have performed in our lives and for the way that you make yourself real to each of us.

Thank you for a son that wants to pray before his football game. For a son that seeks you first! Thank you for a son who loves us so much! Thank you for the wonderful daughters you have given to us. They are the joy and delight of our home! Thank you for their special relationship, and I pray you would preserve it all the years of their life that they may always know they have each other not only as sisters but as the closest of friends. Pursue them with your loving kindness. Overtake my children with your love and fulfill your purposes for which you created each one of them. We pray that each of our children will grow to know you more and more and that they will come to accept the saving grace of Jesus into their hearts at an early age. Oh how we give you thanks for your hand on our family! I pray that you would reveal your heart for David and I. That we could see how you are working even now to bring us closer together and not apart. May we be united in love, in purpose, and in YOU. Teach us how to parent these precious treasures that you have blessed us with. Equip us with all that we need to love and nurture their spirits in Your truth. More than anything I want my husband to REJOICE because you have spoken over me replacing the instant fear and anxiety and feeling so desperately confused with a heart full of faith and obedience. I long for him to jump up and embrace me with a huge smile knowing that YOU provide finances and provisions for those that follow and obey you. You are the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. You choose those that seem the most unlikely to accomplish your will, and then You reward them for their faith. You give visions to your people and they can see your purposes and know you are working. Lord give us a vision for our family. Show us your heart for us.

We love you Father God!

In the name of Jesus who saves us from our sins

and transforms us into something NEW for his kingdom,

we pray AMEN!