I could never have imagined it. Nothing in my wildest dreams prepared me for that moment. The moment when everything changed. When my life suddenly lost all meaning, and nothing, nothing at all mattered, expect God's plans for me. I had no idea then how perilously we hang our dreams on misty illusions of control. Like a bird that perches on a wire unaware of the pulsing danger coiled within it, we seem to think we are invincible. Our lives give us false thoughts of security. Driving 70 mph down a highway within inches of another driver, who could at any second decide to swerve uncontrollably to the left or right, and yet, somehow, we make it to our destination and home again. Never blinking twice about what we just endured. We think if we work hard enough, strive enough, we will end up with a life we have not only dreamed about, but somehow, deserve. I had a checklist in my mind of sorts that outlined more or less what I thought my life would be like. College, Career, Marriage, Children. Like most I was pretty certain that things would fall into place nicely. I mean, why wouldn't they? There was nothing exceptionally special about me or my life. Nothing exceptionally different about the family I grew up in. Suburban, middle class, hardworking. Nothing exceptional about the dreams I had for myself. I guess when you find yourself staring into the unknown it seems so much safer to just stay right where you are. But, for me, I didn't have that choice. God's plans for me and for my family would be the exception.
Seven years ago, are lives were completely shattered by a drunk driver. Glass shards buried in my head for days, broken bones, and broken hearts. Physical injuries heal as best they can, but there is no complete healing for a loss so devastating. Our little boy - gone. Forever. Only minutes from home, only minutes from our happily ever after. But in those minutes, blackness rained down on us, and our nightmare began. Nothing would ever be the same. Sudden impact. Lives forever altered. Plans and lists I had for my life, shredded into unrecognizable pieces. There would be no "happily ever after." For me, life became a constant reminder of our fragility. And God's sweeping hand could at any single second take away all of it. I still remember the nights of weeping. Laying on my pillow, chasing after sleep, and the questions swirling in my mind.
Why live then?
What is the purpose?
Why God? Why Hayden? Why us? Why?
And the warmth overtaking me. His voice speaking into the center of my sorrow.
You are asking me "Why?" Shelly. That's the wrong question. Not, Why? But, what now?
What will you do with the life you have left? What will you do now for me?
What can I do? You have taken everything.
Everything?
All my hopes and dreams.
Those were your dreams. Your hopes.
That's right, and there gone.
Now there is room to give you My hopes and My dreams.
Your dreams?
Yes, the dreams I have for you.
For me?
Yes, you. My beloved child. The one I created to fulfill My purposes.
You have a purpose for me?
"I have plans for you. A hope and a future."
I want those plans God. I have nothing left. I am broken and without hope. And I know without You my life means nothing. I want so much for you to be proud of my life so that when I meet you face to face, I can embrace you knowing I gave all that I could.
I want that too. But first, you must trust Me above all others. Trust Me with your life.
You will not let go of me?
Never.
You will be right beside me?
Always.
Then I will follow you. Wherever you send me. I will go. Wherever you go Lord. I will follow.
That's all I ever wanted. You.
Just - You.
And that's when it happened. He filled my heart with His dreams for my family. To serve Him, to sacrifice for His kingdom, to live my life to fulfill His purposes for me. It has not been easy. It has been all uphill. It has been full of heartache and pain, it has been a struggle, and a hardship, and yet, He remains - the center.
The calling to adopt our children has come from His heart for my life. Living fully surrendered to His choices for my life, there is a freedom only those in Christ can completely embrace. My life has changed. But, not just because I have buried my son. But, my life has changed, because I have buried my hopes and dreams too, and Christ has resurrected in me a new life with new dreams and new hopes that have nothing to do with me - and everything to do with Him. My life in His Hands is taking on a whole new meaning and is full of rewards that I could never have imagined. Daily I want to put on this new life He has given. Because, people look differently through His eyes, life is held preciously with His hands, and love is encountered anew with His heart.
So now my family, the one I planned, the one I hoped for, looks nothing like I dreamed it would. Nothing like David dreamed. Yet, we can rejoice, because He daily fulfills His promises. He has given us a new life.
Our family tree has withstood the greatest storms of life. Still, the roots grow deeply in the soil of His Word. It stands tall and straight despite the harsh winds that have blown. And though weathered by time and the cruel nature of this life, it still somehow seems to reach high as though it would touch heaven. There are many scars where branches have been painfully pruned by the Father's plans. Scars of heartache, sacrifice, and strife. But, this too allows the remaining branches to grow that much stronger. Stronger in His Love. The leaves are nourished daily with His Truth. And nestled among the fullness of our family tree, there are two beautiful, treasured, boughs that have been lovingly grafted in by God's very own hands. Those branches are from His Garden of Dreams. And so, despite the scars, our family tree is more beautiful than I could ever have dreamed; planted with hope, painstakingly pruned by the Master Gardener, lovingly grafted in by His hands, it is truly, EXCEPTIONAL. To Him be the Glory!
