born in your heart

I feel my spirit praying even while the words are coming out of my mouth. She searches my face for answers to questions that I didn't think would come this soon. I fumble for explanations that seem so unclear to me trying hard to iron out the wrinkles in her brow and satisfy her doubt. Hoping the little I have to offer her will be enough for now. Wounding words surface to the top and we are caught in a tangled mess trying to go around the land-mines of "unwanted" "abandoned" "unknown" "alone". She knows there is a difference between her welcome to the world and that of her brother and sister. China and adoption are words that we've embraced from the very beginning, but now she wants to know how she arrived in this family and why her very first picture wasn't in my arms.

I pull her closer to my heart and tell her how Momma's arms longed to hold her even when she was a baby. And oh how I wish I could have been her Mommy sooner. I tell her about God's plan and how He knew the right time for Momma and Daddy to come and bring her home to her forever family. We talk of Nai Nai and Ye Ye and how blessed we were that they loved her as a baby, and held her, and fed her, and sang to her. She smiles as though she remembers Nai Nai's songs. Then it surfaces, the question she most wants to know.

"Momma, was I in your tummy?"

"No sweetie. Not my tummy, but your birth mommy's tummy."

And though I know it will bring her more hurt, I tell her of this unknown mother in China. The one who gave her life. Praying that God changes my words so they make sense to her and praying they land softly on her heart. An unknown birth mother. An unknown birth father. Did they love her? Did they want her? Do they think of her? Do they long to know her?

Though she accepts my simple explanations, I can see she is changed by the differences. Saddened to see her little eyes cloud over as she realizes the truth. She has another mother in China. One who gave her birth and life. One who must be stunning for all the beauty we see mirrored in her daughter. A "tummy mommy" where she grew for 9 months. A birth-mom who for a reason we can not begin to comprehend decided she could not parent this sensitive, smart, creative, and beautiful child.

"So she did what she thought was the very best for you and allowed Nai Nai to love you as a baby until Mommy could come and bring you home. Adoption means I love you and want you to be my daughter forever. "

I can see she is pondering what else it means. It means you weren't mine from the very beginning. It means it takes time to feel apart of your new family. It means your Mommy doesn't look like you. It means you are different and sometimes all she wants is to be the same. It means you don't know your whole story and it means questions that don't have answers.

But, it also means you are loved. It means a Mommy and Daddy forever to love you. It means they will celebrate your differences and they LOVE your chocolate brown eyes. It means you have someone to rejoice over your success and hold you close when you fall. It means family and a place to call home. It means you belong because more than just being born from your Momma - you were a gift from God!

It means you will never be alone again. It means you are wanted and needed and most importantly loved. It means our family without you would never be the same. It means you are ours - forever.

She hugs my neck and looks me straight in the eyes. "Mommy, Hollyn and AJ were born in your tummy."

"Yes, that's right sweetie."

"And me and Curious George, we was born in your heart."

She smiles as she pats my heart knowing Momma's heart is where love grows. :)